Madam entered, I was asleep but the tik, tik, tik, that was the evidence of engagement between her high heels and the floor got me bolt upright. I was drooling, but I still don’t understand why everybody was looking at me, had I made any weird sound? Or was it a hiss or an aroma, a spice or whatever it was that changed the chemical air composition that made the whole class to turn their heads towards my direction? I am yet to know.
Everything still as hazy, I was told to clean the chalk board and I did, That was whom I was; a very obedient student but never be fooled my only defense was what I baptized ‘the reverse mechanism’, I was physically weak and so staging a physical fight would have placed me in the front line of a death row. I never blamed God for that because he knew how to make up for the absence of biceps, shindumbu, masgwembe and six packs that he never bequeathed me on the day of creation. Apparently, I was late he was already heading for the dining when he saw me coming for my share of the muddy touch, so he created with a tim piyo wadhi attitude. My defense was my tongue and the words were the weapons.
The lesson began, as she turned to begin writing, I caught a glimpse of what apparently was to be displayed before my naked eyes yet I was supposed to refuse to see! I was only 15 but I knew a good ass when I saw one, the problem wasn’t really in seeing but what followed; not only did my eyes get glued but they tried to see what laid way beyond the rears and that left my mind in sort of lustful frenzy, fantasies crept in and I began day dreaming. If this has ever happened to you, you will know that daydreaming about a woman who is supposed to be your physics teacher is not only detrimental to your cognitive functions but also for your genital health. Such fantasies have a tendency of creating a bulge, inflammation, a lump or whatever makes pants adopt shapes that can only be known be known by Pythagoras at the fly. Now my heart was beating faster, I was now melting in my own lava but my main concern was to do all that could be done to conceal the swell that was getting bigger with every second (puberty, I hate you), I pulled the locker closer in a bid to do just that but that only made matters worse, the sound was horrible, she turned to look at the back, my ecstasy slithered but the package was still sickly hard, I thought she was going to tell me to stand up.. I was lucky.
She held the u-tube manometer and filled it with water then she opened her mouth, shaped the lipstick stained lips and blew the device from one orifice, water came spluttering out in suppressed turbulence onto her shoes, the class burst out in laughter, I did laugh too, but my voice was the last to be heard, the walls echoed the mockery with which that laughter was maliciously served, All eyes on me.
“Stand up”, she ordered.
“Don’t look at me like your village girlfriend”, she fumed
And just as the rule of ‘reverse mechanism’ dictates, I chewed her cud and spat it on her face
“I wish you could match my village girlfriend” I chortled.
And that was the last time I learnt physic. I am still convinced I was innocently evicted from the class. Was I to blame? I blame it on the u-tube manometer mellow drama that placed full-stop on my physics assignment before the sentence was due.