I’m still finding myself
Discovering what exists
missing what’s gone
To know is to be bare
fingers gliding over my body
My skin shivers
An enemy traversing
Isn’t it heartbreaking
Losing trust in self
Gather what you scattered
And indulgent spirit
And the cycle continues
When desires enslave you
remote-controlled by rage
What you stand for tumbles
When ego upsurges
Forget about pain and pleasure
Forget about right and wrong
I know no difference
I haven’t had both
It’s like destiny is one hell of a monstrous dictator
Who chains and tortures his subjects
Till they grow numb; to pain or pleasure or affection
I have been here too long
And though it can’t pass for a home
It is all I know
So I’ll write some more
Fastened on anchor and cast in the sea depths
About life in apathy and lungs lifting chests for that gulp of air
About deafness of friends
And blindness of family
About emptiness within
About lies I’ve told to prove I’m just alright
Today I’ll change the script
I’ll write my own
Riddled with bitter truths
For he who needs direction
Must tell of his true destination
I’m broken, Lord, fix me
I’m lost, please find me
I’m worthless, create me anew
I’m lonely, be a friend
We will fight again tonight
Like we always do when liquor fills the receptacles of our souls
My spirits will be on vacation
With reason and gentleness as escorts
The love we’ve been weeding all these years will melt into blood under fumes of fury
Whose blood will it be?
I pray it be mine
The kitchen floor hasn’t regained its lustre
No more pints for you
I also pray the neighbours will mind our business
Save you from me
And me from the law
I hate fights
But I love make-up sex
I love how we grow tender with each other
Even before the bandages leave our wounds
In the midst of it all; the blood, the swearing, curses and regrets, remember I love you
In my own strange way
I love your sad moments and your happy days too
I love your torn lips, your bruised face, bloodshot eyes
I love your limping feet
For in these moments of darknes
When beauty vacates
Generosity takes root
And we love more than the promise our looks sculpted
We will fight tonight baby
Let’s fight even harder tommorow for what shall remain of ourselves
Everyday is battle
Every battle is a chance to conquer
We rise to win love
That which we owe ourselves
Self love is what we need; forget acceptance
Find it in dark alleys
Find it in lonely nights
Let it grow big enough to fill your trinity
That no space is left: for suicidal thoughts to roam
For conformity to sprout
For depression to take root
For standards to rate you
Give a little there, give a little here and reserve more love for yourself
For love comes to those who love themselves.
Good Evening Friend👋
I’m not okay, but it’s all fine. I’m not okay but don’t tell me I’ll be fine.
I am broken, and I’m not asking you to mend me, just to help me find the part of me I lost. You’re the candle to illuminate my darkest hours.
Even a crooked stick can draw straight lines; it all depends on the hand that holds it.
Fireflies trek my mind no more, the poison within killed the antidote now my mind is a mouldy can of dead worms.
But this stench is all I know. This darkness is all I am.
You say depression is a creation of losers who’ll blame everything but themselves for their weaknesses.
You say depression a loser’s mind-set.
But you can’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.
Don’t tell me the cloud will be up for a while; you know nothing about missing the sun even when it shines.
Shoulders drooped in humiliation,
Tears streaked visage,
Backs bent with guilt,
Eyes frozen with fear,
You know nothing about the life I live
The battles I fight
The haunting past
A future I dread
You know nothing about the breathes that choke
So bask in the comfort of your privileges
And leave me alone
Yes, I said leave me alone
I’ve found home in this darkness
My empty-bellied wallet stares at me
My eyes hello back with deeper hollowness
Phones are dead
My uncle says,
I pick my journal
235 dollars in receivables
But no one has a dime
A friend says
You’ll get through it
Faith without action?
Find me in the morgue!
What’s in the kitchen cabinet?
Floor, sugar, ketchup, and salt
Can’t I make tea?
No, no tea leaves!
But hunger still bites
I call someone
She says I’m a spendthrift!
So I boil water
And take a warm bath
I’m clean in my hunger
I’m not ready, she said
You have to be, he replied
And that was final
She, left neck- deep into the mess
Chained to the ways of the land
The daughter of the lake
A man she has to take
20 yrs was the age difference
She complained she had another
But gods had decided
And their will she had to obey
She had been fed enough
It was time she got disposed
An item of trade she was
And a herd of cattle was the price
If he loves her or not?
If her heart melts for another?
If he’ll treat her well or not?
If he had a functional engine or not?
She had to be married
To the man who’d lost sight
But still had insatiable appetite for tender flesh
The three-legged man whose backbone needed straightening
He smiles, he whispers seduction but all she thinks;
“Old man you need a mouthwash”
She’ll get used
A herd of cattle wasn’t a small price to pay
Papa today I saw him
The man who snatched life me
He’s free papa
And his health is getting better
Papa, he fed on my blood
My virgin blood!
And drank my tears
He owns my flesh
Every inch my breasts grow
My fears swell
Will it arouse them?
Will it tell them I want it?
I saw him, and the memories surfaced
My mind popped open, and worms crawled out
There’s nothing left in this skull
But memories of torture and pain
The smell won’t let me eat
The guilt won’t let me sleep
Don’t lie to me papa
Wasn’t he right to pluck the flower of my childhood?
Wasn’t I meant to please the desire of men?
Papa, I’m guilty of fighting him
Guilty of reporting him
Guilty of damaging his reputation
I’m eating my flesh away
Or did I get sick?
Papa life has no meaning
Don’t you have death on speed dial?
This crowd suffocates me
My identity sun-dried and preserved
Can’t wait to revel in solitude
For I need serious conversations with myself
A duel with my demons
And reprimands from my guardian angel
She’s been off duty too long
The crowd cheers on
Laughter deluge my cries
And none saw
The silence, the tension
The dying embers
The shredding of life
I walked home dead
Suicide note wasn’t found
Dem hypocrites cried
Distant relatives became close
To mock me
Wasn’t it stupid?
Couldn’t he talk?
When nobody heard when I called
Nobody pulled my hand
As currents swept me under