Getting to Know Achieng’

How well do you know Achiengs?

 

Achiengs are firstborns, even when they’re not. Achieng will be the sibling helping you to find your socks in the morning when other siblings have left for school.

 

She’ll be the one taking care of her sick mother; running around soliciting funds, back at home changing adult diapers and fixing catheters, and making meals and catching the bus to the hospital at visiting hours. It doesn’t matter if she has ten siblings, she’ll always take care of her parents as if she’s the only child.

 

They have a heart of gold.

 

She’ll be the sibling in whose house you can crash for unforeseen number of days when you lose your life’s bearing.

 

My sister June Nyawade is a testament to this, I can’t even count the number of times she shared her pocket money with me because our father never gave us, boys any money while in school. And when it was time for me to have my own crib, she’s the one who gave me the means. She was still a student!

 

But Achieng is a no-nonsense woman. She can be militant if you want her to be.

 

She’ll be the one knocking the neighbor’s door off the hinges because she’s heard a child is in distress, or a woman is getting a beating. She can risk her life for a complete stranger.

 

Achiengs are activists by nature. That’s why they name themselves like freedom fighters; Achieng Otieno, Achieng Omondi, Achieng Odindo. You’ll read her name twice just trying to figure the kind of mayhem she is.

 

Achieng is an incredibly strong woman, both physically and mentally. She can be there for you when you least expect. If you need money from Achieng but she doesn’t have, she’ll make calls to her aunt in Oyugis, Asembo, or her boyfriend in USIU, and you’ll get the cash.

 

When Achieng loves, she loves with everything. If Achieng loves you, you won’t even need a house to hit her genitals. In the village, Achieng can even hold an anthill for you; you hit the thang from the back and life goes on.

 

And they love this sex thing. And they don’t hide it. What she wants she wants, and you can’t use her love for a good dick to manipulate her!

 

Your beloved Vagina Mouthpiece is Achieng Omondi. Had to be an Achieng!

 

Also, a husband can’t scare her. If you’re married to Achieng, and then you begin playing games, you’ll be chased from your house with your clothes in a Nigerian bag.

 

Lastly, Achiengs are not lacking in beauty. In a pool of 10 Achiengs, 7 of them will be beautiful. Look at my homie here, Emma Nyar Asembo, isn’t she beautiful?

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Morning, it’s a good day to make money, but the balls won’t get out of bed.

What if Babies Came with a Return Policy

If children came with a return policy, most of you couldn’t have lived long enough to spell your names. Parents could have been too empowered to raise any wayward, ill-mannered kid.

You break a glass, return.
You hurt another kid, return.
You steal sugar, return!

I’m doubting if we’d be having new parents in 2020. This whole generation couldn’t have lived. It makes me laugh because most of you couldn’t have known Corona.

Nor read about these balls.

Now, think. Could you have lived?
Or you’re a factory defect?

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I woke up with thoughts of loss, but my balls are gaining weight. Yin must Yang.

Be Random

Don’t try so hard to be genuine. Be random.

Be as random as this plant randomly smoking trees.

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Good morning. I’ve woken up motivated and upbeat, and the balls are merrier than yours.

Of balls and a Nairobi woman

It’s sometimes a huge burden to have these balls. I try to love them, and most times, I do. But these marbles can cause stinging pain and misery.

It gets worse when they’re starved. Yesternight, this left one began howling like a lost hyena in the middle of the night. Then the right one joined. The cause of all this mayhem?

A Nairobi woman.

There’s this girl that’s been my friend for a long time. That’s all I wanted from her–friendship. I’ve confided in her so many truths. She knows a ton of stuff about me than none of the ghels I’ve served juice knows.

Damn! This girl has called me in the middle of the night asking if I had taken my midnight snack when she knows I’m the type that eats the meal, the snack, the pudding, and the nyokonyoko yote in one full swoop.

This girl is extremely attractive, but never had I noticed she has a sexual appeal until ’em balls began haranguing me over my blindness tor her beauty.

Now the balls want me to betray our friendship an ask for the osweges. That isn’t the hard part.

The problem is, the balls have now corrupted my thoughts. Everything she does now seems suggestive. Now I don’t only see the friend, I see the woman; nubile and appetizing. I’ve tried to restore my sight to friendship settings, but I see all the things I shouldn’t be seeing.

Walimwes, should I retain the friendship or do as the balls say and ask for her juice?

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It’s a busy morning here, but the balls are too excited to sit still. I don’t why.

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I’ve woken up feeling fatigued and lethargic, but my balls are okay.

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I overheard my neighbour asking Jesus to come now. People are here trying to kill the son of God twice.