Tag Archives: humor

Paradise

Dear Pastor,
Please don’t tell me of a paradise in the sky
when you found yours between my sister’s legs

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Aged too Soon

Should I say I envied my brother?
Whenever he sneaked you home
When time stood still as you mourned
When the double-decker shook
And every inch you flinched tightened my pants

Did I ever tell you how beautiful you were?
No, not beautiful, just sexually stimulating
That every time I saw you I did an x-ray on you
And had sex with you in my fantasies
No, you could never know that;
My bulge was always concealed
By tight triangular briefs

Did I tell you of the sleepless nights?
When even in your absence
The sheets still smelt of your presence
And the crickets stopped their chirps
As your ‘imetoooosha’ pleas boomed in my mind

Did I tell you of the many nights I dreamt of you?
Only to wake up in sticky sheets around my ass
Ohh shemeji, how I yearned for you
I could have given a pair of balls
Just to hear you mourn my name
Till now the vulnerability in that voice
As it said ‘imetooooosha’ still thrills me

Shemeji how quick the world has beaten you!
It was just yesterday I yearned for you
Today your nakedness can deflate my erection
You’ve aged shemeji. So quickly shemeji

Did you marry a man?
Please do and dump the beast
He’s squeezed the juice of life from your ass
It now sags like peels of skin on the back of a donkey’s balls
Your skin once radiant now a labyrinth of scratches and folds
My old shemeji how the world has beaten you!

SEDUCING A LADY IN A BIBLICAL MANNER

BOY: Do you have a boyfriend?
GIRL: Nope, i don’t have one.
BOY: Gen 2:18 “The lord God said, it is not
good for a man to be alone, i will make a helper suitable for him
GIRL: “But i don’t love you
BOY: 1 John 4:8 whoever does not love,does
not know God, because God is love.
GIRL: & how do i know you mean those words?
BOY: Mathew 12:34 for out of the abundance
of the hearth mouth speaks.
GIRL: but how can i be sure that you’re loyal&
honest?
BOY Mark 13:31 “heaven & earth will pass
away but my words will never pass away
GIRL: But why me? There are a lot of girls out there
BOY: Proverbs 31:29 “Many women do noble
things, but you surpass them all.
GIRL: But what is in me that you like?
BOY: Song of Solomon 4:7 “you are altogether
beautiful, my darling there is no flaw in you”
GIRL: But I’m not all that beautiful you’re
exaggerating
BOY: Proverbs 31:30 “charm is deceptive, and
beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised
GIRL: What happens if i say yes.
BOY: Genesis 2:24 “Therefore man shall leave
his father and his mother & they shall become one flesh
GIRL: How come you know the scriptures this much
BOY:Joshua 1;8 This book of law shall not
depart from your mouth but you shall meditate
on it day & night so that you may be careful to
do all that is written in it. For then you make
your way prosperous and you will have good
success”
GIRL: Wow, I can see you really love God
BOY: Psalm 34:8 oh, taste and see that lord is
good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in
him.
GIRL: mmm. Ok please give time to think about it
BOY: Philipians 4:8 “finally brethren, whatever is
true, whatever honorable, whatever is just,
whatever is commendable, if there is any
excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise
think about this thing
GIRL: oh I love you already
BOY: Revelation 22:21 “Amen”

SEDUCING A LADY IN A BIBLICAL MANNER

Africa U Night Hailed

Clarissa and Poeta
Clarissa and poeta

My keyboard is an epitome of aridity. With all the consonants I still can’t make up words right enough to describe what I have in mind. And my mind is still not able to fully perceive what the maker of this lovely planet unfolded before my eyes today. How am I going tell this story? Simple, I am going to close my eyes and scribble anything related to this event on a page in any language that my tongue can roll to. That said. Where do I begin?

Africa U Night, the event that had trended (maybe is still trending) on twitter since the week began was finally here. Mavuno church was the destination and if you had never set a foot there like me there was an option-you could miss lunch and begin your search for the venue much earlier lest you miss some of the performances. To be honest, events will come and go but Africa U Night will still remain as a reminiscence of what good poetry is all about. For the first time I saw poetry escape the lips of the talented poets, hover in the room and finally encaving us in some sort of a dome filled with euphoria and bitterness. The event presented by the ARTEAST HUB had much more than just poetry. I tell you the poets deserved the tittle not as common these days when anybody who can create simple rhymes like Embrace and Empress call themselves poets. They had content and nobody had to be told to listen- the words themselves were powerful enough to arrest the attention of the audience and journey with them in that poetic adventure. There was also music. I still can’t compare the vocals of PHY to any other artist. She is the Kenyan Version of Emeli Sande.

Vanessa Poet
Vanessa Poet

Fast forward, the first performer was Le chatelier and it seemed the price of disappointing the audience was too high for him to afford. His comprehension of the Queens language was exemplary. His piece was short and very informative. The MC Poeta equaled the task shooting his sick punch lines in the name of Kujichocha. You just had to pendaa his stuff.

Vanessa Ombura took the stage and froze the audience to a pin drop silence. The words strictly lined with the theme left the audience screaming at the end of the performance. Poeta had to beg the audience to stop screaming such crazy chants like Thitima! Thitima! And allow the next poet to take stage.

L7 Empire is a cohort of Murderers-they killed it

virusi Mbaya
virusi Mbaya

Comprising of four artists: Virusi Mbaya, Cilabies Mgonjwa, Muarab and chief Kaddif, L7 Empire is taking Kenya by storm. Their lyrical prowess is out of this planet added to their sound content and mastery of their pieces-you get a free ticket to wonderland and they are not bragging about it!

They performed two pieces mheshimiwa usinigei doo that spoke of all the ills that we Kenyans are subjected to by the so called waheshimiwa. The other piece: bila madeni mafan wanatudai that spoke of the contributions of artists in fighting the societal ills. L7 empire will continue to rule because of one thing, they speak of the problems we encounter everyday not only in Kenya but in Africa. Their choice of words is excellent they use words so weighty!

Ronnie Prince
Ronnie Prince

The only prince in the ghetto, Ronny proved he is no longer a poet but a prophet. He prophesied that soon Obesity will also be a disease in Turkana. He also echoed the cries of the real Kenyan heroes felled by political bullets: TJ Mboya, Pio pinto, Robert Ouko and JM Kariuki. He prophesied that soon the hunger of these fallen heroes will be over as they will be served justice. Where do people get such creativity? Maybe only prophets like Ronny Prince are able to create such powerful words out of carcass of fallen heroes.

Shanky Abbs and Shikz proved they are not merely pretty but are pretty creative. Forget about the serenity in their dressing that depicted true African women. Their performances took us to a soul hunting mode. You only realize you didn’t carry your hunkies after such a performance. Tears rained and reigned.

The event was one of its like, an event worth every cent and second spent. Even after spending part of my time reporting about this event I still believe I should apologize to all the artists who performed everybody who attended this event and the Arteast Hub for failing to find the appropriate words to tell all about this event. In short the artists frankly lit the room with words. Set it ablaze.

Finally today being siku ya mashujaa I celebrate the following poets as my heroes:

L7 Empire Crew, Shanky Abbz, Ronny Prince, Le Chatelier, Vanessa, Poeta, Femi, Shikz, Vince, Murathe, Kennet B and many more. I celebrate you as my heroes because you have been the light of this society, always rebuking the wrongdoings of our leaders without fear while embracing the efforts made by fellow citizens to rebrand Kenya. May you live long to inspire the next generations.

Poeta n Prince
Poeta n Prince

 

Agak The Noise Maker
Agak The Noise Maker