Worms have invaded my mind
Nothing left between my ears
Just here tryna love this hollow husk
But love is evasive
I’ll try living instead
You are a girl who’ll be remembered for soft things;
And most importantly;
Loving the wrong man right
I’m still finding myself
Discovering what exists
missing what’s gone
To know is to be bare
fingers gliding over my body
My skin shivers
An enemy traversing
Isn’t it heartbreaking
Losing trust in self
Gather what you scattered
And indulgent spirit
And the cycle continues
When desires enslave you
remote-controlled by rage
What you stand for tumbles
When ego upsurges
Early this year I had a stint with a lady who kept telling me that I’m too hard on myself. I didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t party, didn’t bet, didn’t …my guard was always on duty, never down. We were not in a relationship, I didn’t own her, she didn’t own me, we just kind of made an unspoken vow to be present for each other whenever testosterone hiked.
I enjoyed the simplicity of the game; there were no entitlements, Just shaky expectations, longer erections and fleeting orgasms. Man, for all the yearnings it felt good being laid by an adult–on birth control.
My routines changed and so was hers, we spent more nights awake and more days lost in lust or nursing our tired genitals. Those were the days I could spend 24 hours in my single room naked. We ate and snacked sex. Nights became shorter and so were the days. In no time, the good boy that vowed never to smoke a thing got his first puff of weed and more followed. In short, my 2017 resolutions lost meaning in January.
I made amends quickly, and today 2017 is one of those years that have brought me immense blessings. I won’t list any here though. I made resolutions that I haven’t accomplished, some were silly af, some were too obvious and some just plain boring. I might not be proud of how the year began, but I’m grateful I met someone who taught me how to let my guard down. As crazy as it sounds, I’m thrilled I did stuff I swore I’d never do. Life is too short to follow routines, too short to keep it together, too short to be a perfect son, too short to be a role model, too short to be sober all the time. So even as 2018 approaches, I won’t make any damn resolution, I just want to live as wild as life was meant to be; smoke a little, read more books, make more enemies, sleep more, slap my landlord with a whole year rent, dance more, scream more ( in this life try hard not to be my neighbor) and just be a little bad, you know, I’ve gotta find something to be forgiven for.
My advice to you as you enter 2018 is to do something that freaks you out; something as odd as having a quickie backstage 5 minutes to your cue in a play you’re the main act! Feel the rush, the dum dum in your chest. Yes, remind yourself, you are only human. Happy New Year folks.
Don’t be worried when I shed tears. Be worried when I stop.
When I shed tears, it means I’m dealing with it like a man should. when I stop it means my system is broken, it can shut down any minute.
#MindMyMind #M3Movement #MentalHealthKE #MHAW2017 #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek2017
The biggest blunder in life is to look for open doors with a closed mind
Pretending to be happy when you’re not, is the most painful lie you can ever tell.
I’m not okay, but it’s all fine. I’m not okay but don’t tell me I’ll be fine.
I am broken, and I’m not asking you to mend me, just to help me find the part of me I lost. You’re the candle to illuminate my darkest hours.
Even a crooked stick can draw straight lines; it all depends on the hand that holds it.
Fireflies trek my mind no more, the poison within killed the antidote now my mind is a mouldy can of dead worms.
But this stench is all I know. This darkness is all I am.
You say depression is a creation of losers who’ll blame everything but themselves for their weaknesses.
You say depression a loser’s mind-set.
But you can’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.
Don’t tell me the cloud will be up for a while; you know nothing about missing the sun even when it shines.
Shoulders drooped in humiliation,
Tears streaked visage,
Backs bent with guilt,
Eyes frozen with fear,
You know nothing about the life I live
The battles I fight
The haunting past
A future I dread
You know nothing about the breathes that choke
So bask in the comfort of your privileges
And leave me alone
Yes, I said leave me alone
I’ve found home in this darkness
Your life is like a bank account; if you deposit EXCUSES, you’ll withdraw REGRETS
They’ll mute whimpers and cover wounds again
that’s what we thrive at!
But, I will not tire from openly speaking my mind
I will not change
Tough times are here, tough times toughen me enough to stand still amidst the hailstones of insults and ridicule.
I won’t let myself forget;
That I’m still Ramogi
That I’m still Luo, still Nyang’
That Justice is a word I can still spell blindfolded
That in its absence justice is a scab that mightn’t heal
even with the healing potency of time
That history is a sadistic puppeteer
crippling today’s possibilities with past misgivings
And If I ever forget
I will find myself on my grandpa’s grave
an ornament in hand
I will chant Jaduong’s name countless times
I will praise his love, his strength of character
And he’ll perhaps teach me how to read my palms; the graveyard of our warriors, spiritualists, and seers
And I’ll count the bones broken by hands of time
lives lost for justice
And I’ll accept that Justice is a costly pursuit
We can never afford it
They’ll teach me how not to be led by stomach
My palms I’ll read again
Just to confirm my real name when they brand me anew
I won’t let myself forget that I’m still Ramogi
Cry For Justice