Worms have invaded my mind
Nothing left between my ears
Just here tryna love this hollow husk
But love is evasive
I’ll try living instead
Early this year I had a stint with a lady who kept telling me that I’m too hard on myself. I didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t party, didn’t bet, didn’t …my guard was always on duty, never down. We were not in a relationship, I didn’t own her, she didn’t own me, we just kind of made an unspoken vow to be present for each other whenever testosterone hiked.
I enjoyed the simplicity of the game; there were no entitlements, Just shaky expectations, longer erections and fleeting orgasms. Man, for all the yearnings it felt good being laid by an adult–on birth control.
My routines changed and so was hers, we spent more nights awake and more days lost in lust or nursing our tired genitals. Those were the days I could spend 24 hours in my single room naked. We ate and snacked sex. Nights became shorter and so were the days. In no time, the good boy that vowed never to smoke a thing got his first puff of weed and more followed. In short, my 2017 resolutions lost meaning in January.
I made amends quickly, and today 2017 is one of those years that have brought me immense blessings. I won’t list any here though. I made resolutions that I haven’t accomplished, some were silly af, some were too obvious and some just plain boring. I might not be proud of how the year began, but I’m grateful I met someone who taught me how to let my guard down. As crazy as it sounds, I’m thrilled I did stuff I swore I’d never do. Life is too short to follow routines, too short to keep it together, too short to be a perfect son, too short to be a role model, too short to be sober all the time. So even as 2018 approaches, I won’t make any damn resolution, I just want to live as wild as life was meant to be; smoke a little, read more books, make more enemies, sleep more, slap my landlord with a whole year rent, dance more, scream more ( in this life try hard not to be my neighbor) and just be a little bad, you know, I’ve gotta find something to be forgiven for.
My advice to you as you enter 2018 is to do something that freaks you out; something as odd as having a quickie backstage 5 minutes to your cue in a play you’re the main act! Feel the rush, the dum dum in your chest. Yes, remind yourself, you are only human. Happy New Year folks.
My nakedness hangs, throbs and oscillates freely like a bob on a pendulum. My nakedness is oblivious of what you think about it. My nakedness hates darkness but every time it peeps on the outside it’s met by critical eyes and standards that limit how far it can ever stretch. My nakedness goads me in the insides scratching my body, soul and spirit for any viable points of exit. My nakedness is a slave to my constant pursuit of perfection.
My nakedness is no longer willing to remain in my shadow. So today I called my ‘I Threes” to debate on whether to unlock the chains and let my nakedness free as it used to be before I became mindful of what friends and foes will say if they could see the bit I’ve always kept in the shadows.
My body thinks being maskless reveals too much. It says your flaws are to be hidden, your scars are a painful reminder of all the hurt you’ve been through and these thoughts will drag you back into the mess you were before. Ooh look at your thighs, can’t you see the stretchmarks? You want them to see how bogus you were? You want to lose all this beauty just because your nakedness has been threatening you? Ahh don’t be stupid, strangle it, break it into pieces and let it rot in the pit of your stomach. It doesn’t deserve a chance?
It’s just so natural
to see the darkness that drags us
since the light we posses is too bright
it may blind us
We need monocles to see
half the greatness we posses
Having an attitude of gratitude catapults you to the highest altitude .